Coughs and Sneezes . . .

I hate being ill, I really do. I get so bored with myself. I started off with the sneezes last week and put it down to a touch of hay fever. Then on Friday night started coughing after I went to sleep. I seem to have a night time cough, which wakes me up and then im really tired through being woken up. I’m not really coughing during the daytime when I’m up and about. Its given me a husky voice, which I don’t mind and I don’t really feel ill. Just this pesky dry cough of a nighttimes. Maybe I can get a hunky doctor to do a home visit and rub my chest!.

So these past few days I’ve just taken it easy, rested up and got bored with myself. To occupy myself I have been working on my Family Tree. Have I already told you about that? I already have quite a bit of information from a family friend whose mum was adopted by my great grandmothers sister. I’ve put all the information I have on http://www.genesreunited.com/ and have added to it, and am planning to do research and continue to add to it. Well I’ve found a relative over the weekend. My granddad and his brother became estranged after their mother died, I don’t know the full story just family gossip. After my granddad died in 1988 we wondered what had happened to his brother to let him know, but we were unable to find him. Well I’ve now made contact with his son, who is alive and well and living in Kent. His dad died in 2002. He would be my dads cousin, and my second cousin. I’ve been able to give him lots of info on my side of the family as I have more information than he does at present. Researching and finding out things about my family is fascinating and I’ve not found any skeletons as yet!

Last week my brother phoned me and asked if I remembered a person called S T from when I was in my late teens. I did! He met her at his sons cricket match and when he told her his full name she asked if he was related to me. He probably wanted to deny it but didn’t lol. So now I’ve given him permission to give her my contact details next time he sees her, as her son plays cricket for the same team as my nephew. So hopefully we can be in contact soon and catch up.

Its been a week for reunions as I also met up with my mate C, who I have known for over 20 years. I knew him when he was married to his first wife. There were five of us who went around together at that time, with others joining us , but the five of us were constant. Two guys, one was C and the other A, and three girls, C’s wife A, and another A and me. Confused? You will be lol. Anyway A and A got married and now have a lovely family, C and A divorced and C remarried a lovely lady and they also have a family. So hence don’t see much of them. But C and I managed to meet up and spend some time together. Was lots of stories about things we had done and places we had been to , and people we had known.

Some people we meet and they just spend moments in our lives and others we meet and make friends for life with. And some go out of our lives but come back again. Makes life interesting doesn’t it?

Now where’s my honey and lemon.

Keep well.

x x x

Mamma Mia - my reivew

I went to see the stage show about two years ago. A treat from a friend. I thought the stage show was fantastic, but for me the film was even better.

It has a feel good factor about it, which probably has to do with the songs, and the view of the gorgeous Greek islands and sea. Made me want to pack my bags and go and join the cast. Not that my singing is any good mind you. There have been mixed reviews about the casts singing but for me I felt that it fitted in so well with the story telling. It’s a story of a girl getting married to her true love, being brought up by her mother on a greek island, not knowing who her father is but wanting him at her wedding. From reading her mothers diary there are three possible fathers, and so she invites all three without her mother knowing.

Very well cast, and very well received by the audience. I have heard that some cinema audiences actually got up and sung and danced to the songs. But in Crawley we were a bit more reserved.

I cant wait for it to come out on DVD as it’s a film I could certainly watch again and again and sign along to the songs in the comfort of my own home (so no one can hear me!)

Definitely recommend you seeing it, whether a guy or a gal.

x x x

National Carers Week 9th to 15th June 2008

This week is National Carers Week. There are almost 6 million carers here in the UK. That's a staggering amount. Here's some more facts and figures for you:

* One in ten adults in the UK is a carer

* 3 million people juggle work with caring responsibilities for a disabled, ill or frail relative or friend.

* The main carers benefit - Carers Allowance is £50.55 for a minimum of 35 hours, equivalent to £1.34 per hour.

* People providing high levels of care are twice as likely to be permanently sick or disabled.

* Every year 2 million people take on new caring responsibilities.

* 1.25 million people provide over 50 hours a week on their caring responsibilities.

* 58% of carers are women, 42% are men

* 1.3 million carers are over the age of 65

* The value of carer’s contribution to the nation is £87 billion each year, yet the decision to care can mean a commitment to future poverty. Many give up an income, future employment prospects and pension rights to become a carer.

(from http://www.carersweek.org/newsroom_page.asp?id=41)

So why is this of so much interest to me? Because for nearly 4 years

after my mum died I became the main carer for my lovely dad, who was registered disabled and had Non Hodgkinsons Lymphoma, as well as other complications such as deafness, kidney failure and diabetes. I made a choice to give up my Management position to become self employed, so that I could have the flexibility to care for my dad.

I didn't claim Carers Allowance until the last few months of my dads’ life. It paid for my petrol to and from dads, and it wasnt the highest amount. My brother and I coped really well with my dads increasing care, and the main responsibility was down to me. I ran his home, his finances and his life. I organised his hospital visits, which were many, and took him there myself. I ensured that he took his medication, which was like running a pharmacy at home, and that he had his prescriptions kept up to date. I cooked, I cleaned until the last year when I found that I was running out of hours and days and dad’s personal care was more important than me doing the cleaning. We employed a family friend to come and help with the housework and ironing, which was a godsend.

I’m telling you my story as just an example of what caring can mean for both the carer and the person being cared for. I know of others who have done exactly the same thing. It’s often a very hard thing to do, to care for someone you love dearly. You often have to discuss things that you normally wouldn't with a relative or a parent. As a youth you are told about working, family life etc, but no one prepares you that one day you may have to parent your parents. And for me that was the hardest thing.

I wouldn't change one single moment of my caring for my dad, we were close, but grew a lot closer during those precious last years together. Looking back I wished that there had been some local support group for carers, somewhere to go to talk to people in the same situation. Apart from one occasion I always kept a happy stress free face for my dad, but once I got home I was exhausted. Not just from the physical side of things, but the emotional too.

I was blessed to be able to do this for my dad, I really believe that. And if I had been married, had a family, I wouldn't have been able to have spent so much time with him.

So, if you are a carer, or you know of a carer, please just give a little time to think about what your needs are, what their needs are. A kind word and a hug goes a long way. My dad was always grateful for what I did for him, but that's not why I did it. Carers do it out of love.

x x x

Tapas

Tapas is one of my favourite meals out. Not tried doing it at home yet. My cousin J (who shares same birthday as me but is ten years younger) came for an overnight stay with her new husband. Its the first time I’ve met J’s husband. They got married in Las Vegas just before Christmas last year, and I got up in the middle of the night to watch it via web cam. It was brilliant! I was in my jim jams with a glass of bubbly enjoying their chapel wedding.

Met on Friday afternoon and went to a nice country pub. Always feels like I’m playing truant when I go out somewhere like that during a week day. Then we met up with my brother and his three children and went for a Tapas. The bar was heaving with people, but we booked our table and just drank and chatted at the bar. It was loud and very atmospheric. We had to wait an hour for a table but we didn’t mind. There was lots of banter and family telling of tales.

The food and the company was brilliant. I think one of the things I love about Tapas is that its so informal, and that you just try lots of different dishes. My eldest nephew wanted to see his auntie a bit tipsy so he ordered a few shots, and of course I had to partake. I was pleasantly mellow but not tipsy, much to my nephews disappointment.

My cousin J and her hubby are off to Wembly Arena today to see the Foo Fighters and then will meet up with them afterwards. Its a real family chill out weekend, which I love.

Enjoy your weekend.

Hugs

When is a Tree not a Tree?

When it’s a Mohonia , which is a Shrub. I’ve been searching for ages to find out what the Tree is outside my front room window. I’m on the first floor with a huge front room window with this lovely thing outside my window, just about a foot away. It flowers at least 3 times a year, and the birds love it. Especially the Blackbirds, Thrush’s and small birds, along with the bees. I’ve been asking all sorts of visitors if they knew what it was, I've been searching the Internet too. Then yesterday I found it, and it’s not a Tree it’s a Shrub, and a huge one at that!

The Mohonia Shrub has striking yellow flowers that then turn to the blue/black berries that the birds love so much. It smells very much like Lilly of the Valley and the bark has a snakeskin look to it. I just love watching the birds feeding on it, so close to my window. You could almost touch them, my next step is to try and see if I can photograph any through the glass.

I’ve been playing with my new toy, my NavMan. Tested it out with a friend yesterday. Chose a remote country pub for Sunday lunch, and it worked better than me! I’m hooked on it now and have used it for journeys I don’t really need it for as know the way. Its going to be a big bonus for my visit to Leeds at the end of the month and finding my relatives.

I adore going out for Sunday Lunch, and the place we found yesterday was lovely. An old English Pub in a nice Sussex village. I had the full roast and apple crumble and custard and ice cream for afters! Yum Yum. Then on the way back home we saw a Forest Walk sign and thought we would investigate as we thought it was near a lake we had gone past.

The walk was lovely through the Forest, but we needed a map really as we didn’t find the lake. However, along the way we did see two Deer jump out of the bush onto the track right in front of us, stop, then dart away. It was amazing and took my breath away. We walked about four miles, at a nice rambling place, but I wasn’t really wearing the correct shoes so by the time we got back to the car I had developed a blister or two. The forest was beautiful, so I'm going to do some research on it and then maybe explore it better with the right footwear.

So what else have I been up to? I’ve started working on my Family Tree, although a second cousin of my Dads has already done some of the work, there are other branches I want to add to it. It’s been totally absorbing and fascinating, and I’m hooked on it now. I’ve enlisted some help from my cousins to get more recent family dates so I can add their parts of the family. One of my cousins sent me a link to a site that has a picture of my mum aged around 10 with her sister and a friend outside their local cinema on a motorbike. It’s a picture I’ve never seen before, and very special as I don’t have many pictures of my mum as a child, and her sister who is with her died just under a year after mum did.

x x

Sex and the City was FAB FAB FAB!! Went and saw it with my usual film buddy last night, the gorgeous D.

Ive not watched the complete six series but want to go through them again now.

The film has had its critics, but myself and my girlfriend really enjoyed it. Audience clapped the opening titles as well as the end ones, and of course was a full house as first night opening in local cinema.

There were tears and laughter, and that was just me and my mate! LOL Of course it had lots of designer references, but it wasnt gawdy and the relationship between the four friends in times of happyness and sadness was so touching. The film was more about the relationship between Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, and how they helped and supported each other.

It made me think about the lovely ladies I have as friends in my life. And without some of them this past year I probably wouldn’t be in such a good place as I am now, emotionally. They have been worth their weight in chocolate, and I make sure I tell them so.

And the men in it, yum yum. Quite a few sex scenes and gorgeous mens bottoms. Im in lust with Jason Lewis who was Smith Jerrod, the guy who did that lovely Aero advert in just a towel.

I recommend it and give it a 9/10.

Sorry didn’t save you any popcorn.

Bonk Holiday

They forcasted bad weather in the South this Bank Holiday. Why do they always get it wrong? I had a house (flat) guest this weekend and had planned for the weather to be bad. However, it was glorious on Saturday and Sunday, then today (Monday) its rained virtually non stop.

Nope Ive not made a spelling mistake in my title. I declared this Bank Holiday as Bonk Holiday.

Now let me tell you a story, hope your sitting comfortably. About 20 years ago I worked for a Finance Company in Croydon. I was going through a divorce, married young, divorced young, no kids. I was part of a great admin team, and there was a team of male sales staff we hid in the basement. Now fast forward to recently, I was contacted on Facebook by someone I used to work with there. A guy who tells me he had the hots for me, but I just never saw the signals, probably because I was anti men at the time due to the divorce thing.

Well we met up over a month ago, and got on really well. So well that this weekend he came to stay, so hence Bonk Holiday. It wasn't all bonking, we talked lots and listened to music (our tastes are a tad different), and went down to Brighton and generally had a great time. Told him that he must be the most patient man on earth, having to wait nearly 20 years for a kiss!

We live in different parts of the country so for now good friendship and occasional bonking seems to be on the cards.

Its rather nice tho.

Insomnia

I’ve suffered from Insomnia for quite a few years now. I get to sleep fine but then wake up in the early hours of the morning and then cant get back to sleep straight away. Its called frequent nocturnal awakening. I usually get up and either read, surf the Internet or see if there’s something on the TV worth watching. It’s very rare that I sleep all the way through to a normal waking time, but when I do I feel so refreshed and rested. I do have some herbal sleeping tablets but its very rare for me to take one of these.

I’ve stopped having too much caffeine, I’ve cut out Cola from my diet completely, and its not made a difference to my sleep pattern but has helped me drop a few pounds in weight. So that’s not a bad thing. I sprinkle drops of lavender oil on my pillow, which helps me get to sleep but doesn’t stop me from waking up.

Although I wake up tired after insomnia nights, it doesn’t last for too long. Once I’ve had my morning coffee and my bath I feel fine. I no longer stress about my waking moments, I just take it to be part of my normal sleep pattern. No point stressing. I just look at it being an extra hour of ‘me’ time before I go back to sleep. Last night I saw a fantastic film, which I wouldn’t have if I had slept through. An Everlasting Piece, with Barry McEvoy and Anna Friel. It’s a comedy and set in Northern Ireland at the times of the troubles. Its about two friends who are barbers, one is Catholic and one Protestant, they go into the business of selling wigs and get into all sorts of problems. Lots of great humour in it, well worth a watch.

Thanks to N who did some research and let me know that under the Countryside Act its ok to pick wild flowers but not to dig them up. So if I see anyone doing that again by the river or woodlands I will be sure to let them know! A couple of weeks ago I saw a lady with a bucket and a spade digging up the lovely bluebells on the river bank next to where I live. Wish I had known that information then.

I’ve started the ball rolling this week towards taking a degree in Counselling. I’ve decided to drop the diploma after advice that the law will be changing and a degree would be a better qualification if im serious about this. Which I am. I have to do a pre degree course first, and have applied and it’s being run locally which is a bonus. Will keep you posted how it goes.

Hey, maybe I can use my Insomnia Hour to do a bit of homework!

Have a great bank holiday weekend and chat soon.

Mini Me

Had a fantastic day in Brighton yesterday. It was the London to Brighton Mini Club Run and my cousin from Bedford was taking part for the second year running. The sun shone, we had fish and chips, and ice cream for pudding. It’s amazing how many variations there are to the lovely Mini. It might be a small car but it certainly has variety and impact – bit like me really lol

My aunt and her daughter and granddaughter were there too, so a nice family event. Brighton was heaving with Mini’s and people. I didn’t mind the traffic getting in and out of Brighton, it meant that I could stop and look at my surroundings and all the cars and people. You don’t get to do that when whizzing through the town normally.

Theres loads to do in Brighton this time of year, the Brighton Fesitval always has a good variety of events. Must try and go see a few this year.

Silent World - Depression

Now I'm through the worst of it, I can look back and see with relief that I was always going to be alright, always going to be a survivor. My friends and family gave me huge amounts of support and listened to my ramblings and watched my tears. To them I will always be grateful for letting me go through what I needed to go through. I believe it was a process I needed to do.

Even though I had support around me in the midst of my worst moments of depression I always felt so alone. Not wanting to bother anyone, that my problems were my own, and didn't want to intrude on anyone else's life. I lived in a silent world. Here's what I wrote just after Christmas, my worst time. I stayed undressed, unwashed for three whole days. I slept a lot and wrote my feelings down.

I live in a silent world. Oh I hear the tap dripping, the clock ticking away, I hear my phone ring and I hear peoples voices on the TV and out on the street. I hear cars as they drive through the rain puddles, I hear my neighbours slam their front door and run down the stair well. Yet I live in a silent world. An emotional silent world.

I do connect with those my life touches, but only to a point. The point I feel safe with. They never know the full extent of my silence. I make sure of that. To me the silence is deafening, unbearable, almost too unbearable to live with.

Yet I do live, I do want to live, but am doing so just day by day. Trying desperately not to show the real me, how awful I feel. I put on my 'happy-I'm-OK-really-face'. And most believe me, but some do not, but they let me be me, the way I am at the moment. On the outside I am just me, going through my daily routines, or not if I don't feel like it. Making arrangements and plans for the not too distant future. I cant cope with too far ahead, it panics me. I don't know how I'm going to cope to get there.

I feel so lost in this silent world. I just wish I could break through and make some kind of sound, so I feel I'm back in control of my life again.

Thankfully it was soon after this lowest point in my life so far that my grief counselling began. I have been able to use my sessions well, opening up, emotionally, letting the inner me breath again. I'm now finding my path again in life.

Beautiful Sussex

Here are some pics of beautiful Sussex. I live about half an hours drive from Brighton, and its about an hours train ride into London. So a perfect position to be in. The photo above is of Brigton Pier from the rooftop of the car park in Brighton Marina, taken last summer.

My favourite places to visit are Arundel, an old town with a beautiful castle, Brighton Pier, Hove's seafront and to walk along and look at the sun glimmering on the sea with the beach huts lined up behind you. Ford open Market on a Sunday morning, you can get some fab bargains there especially just before Christmas. Chichester is a lovely old market town, and the Catherdral there is well worth a visit. Camber Sands has a gorgeous sandy beach that goes for miles when the tide is out.

The drive from where I live in West Sussex down to the coast takes you through some lovely countryside, the Sussex (or often called South) Downs. Old farm houses, farm land, soft rolling hills and cattle and sheep.

No wonder I love it here!

Camber Sands






Arundel







Brighton Pier

Sussex Downs

Who am I?

I'm a 44 year old English Lady, living in the lovely Sussex countryside. I married young, divorced young, no children. Several long term relationships, but none that have lasted, so currently single and enjoying it.

So why am I blogging? I found myself to be an Orphan at the age of 43, having lost my Mum in 2003 and my Dad in July 2007, both to different types of Cancer. I don't like it one bit, doesn't feel right.

Don't run away, this isn't going to be a depressing blog. But my ramblings about my life and things that happen to me, and thoughts and memories. Something positive.

So what do I look like? I'm five foot one and a bit (a very important bit!), auburn shoulder length wavy hair, blue eyes (hence blog name), freckles and of a curvy stature.

I have a brother who is divorced who has three gorgeous children. One of 21, one of 16 and one of 13, who get spoilt rotten by me.

After my mum died quite suddenly of ovarian cancer I became main carer for my lovely dad. He had Non Hodgekinsons Lymphoma for over ten years and had gone in and out of remission. My Mum was his main carer, so I just stepped into her shoes really. At first it was just sorting the running of the house and the finances, but as time moved on my dads health declined and more care was needed by myself and my brother. We became very close, I'm blessed with that. Dad went into hospital early July last year, his kidneys had finally failed. He was in HDU and then a week later he died of a heart attack. It was a release for him as he was beginning to loose the quality of his life and was going to be starting another course of chemotherapy and dialysis.

I don't like being an orphan at my age, just doesn't seem right that I'm now the older generation. I don't feel old enough! I'm having grief counselling and my doctor has given me some mild anti depressants , just to get myself back on my feet again. Ive had four major losses in my life over the past four years, and finally losing dad and caring for him has taken its toll on me.

So that's me in a nutshell really. Hope that you will come back and visit as I have lots to chat about and to tell you about my life.