Silent World - Depression

Now I'm through the worst of it, I can look back and see with relief that I was always going to be alright, always going to be a survivor. My friends and family gave me huge amounts of support and listened to my ramblings and watched my tears. To them I will always be grateful for letting me go through what I needed to go through. I believe it was a process I needed to do.

Even though I had support around me in the midst of my worst moments of depression I always felt so alone. Not wanting to bother anyone, that my problems were my own, and didn't want to intrude on anyone else's life. I lived in a silent world. Here's what I wrote just after Christmas, my worst time. I stayed undressed, unwashed for three whole days. I slept a lot and wrote my feelings down.

I live in a silent world. Oh I hear the tap dripping, the clock ticking away, I hear my phone ring and I hear peoples voices on the TV and out on the street. I hear cars as they drive through the rain puddles, I hear my neighbours slam their front door and run down the stair well. Yet I live in a silent world. An emotional silent world.

I do connect with those my life touches, but only to a point. The point I feel safe with. They never know the full extent of my silence. I make sure of that. To me the silence is deafening, unbearable, almost too unbearable to live with.

Yet I do live, I do want to live, but am doing so just day by day. Trying desperately not to show the real me, how awful I feel. I put on my 'happy-I'm-OK-really-face'. And most believe me, but some do not, but they let me be me, the way I am at the moment. On the outside I am just me, going through my daily routines, or not if I don't feel like it. Making arrangements and plans for the not too distant future. I cant cope with too far ahead, it panics me. I don't know how I'm going to cope to get there.

I feel so lost in this silent world. I just wish I could break through and make some kind of sound, so I feel I'm back in control of my life again.

Thankfully it was soon after this lowest point in my life so far that my grief counselling began. I have been able to use my sessions well, opening up, emotionally, letting the inner me breath again. I'm now finding my path again in life.