Missing you Mum

Friday 6th March, 2009 is the 5th anniversary of my Mum dying. This year it has hit me really hard. I miss her so much. We didn't always see eye to eye and there were times when although I loved her dearly I didn't like her. But she was my mum.

Mum suffered from depression through her life, she had problems from her childhood and not an easy life. So sometimes it wasn't easy living with her. In October 2003 she had a hysterectomy, as the doctors had found a few abnormal cells. She recovered well from that operation and had more tests, only to be told that the cancer had travelled. She started Radiotherapy and then Chemotherapy and had visits to the Royal Marsden. Then just before Christmas she was informed that her condition was in fact terminal, the cancer had travelled to her liver, bones and brain.

I was there that day, with dad, waiting for her to return home from the Marsden in her hospital transport car. As soon as she walked through the door I knew that something was wrong, she was crying and couldn't face us. We went out to the hallway and brought her into the kitchen. Once she had calmed down a bit she was able to tell us what the consultants had told her. That her cancer had spread and it was terminal and she only had a couple of months to live.

We just huddled together and cried and held each other. I promised my mum that I would do everything in my power to make sure she was comfortable and pain free. Unfortunately i wasn't able to do that when she went into hospital for what proved to be the last time. Stupid doctors didn't prescribe her the pain killers she needed until I was very cross with them.

I left my parents to come to terms with the news and to give them some privacy. I then had to go and tell my brother, not an easy thing to do.

It was 11 short weeks from that day to the day she died in a local hospice.

I then took up caring for my dad as he was disabled and it was my mum that did everything, looking after him and running their home. I didn't really have a proper chance to miss mum, although I did most of my grieving in those short 11 weeks before she died. I used to cry all the way down the M23 to home.

Then dad died in July 2007 and that left a huge hole in my life. Its only been this past six months that I have missed both my parents equally. As when dad first died I missed him more. Does that make sense?

So this years anniversary feels very different from the others. Its the second one without dad, and my emotions are feeling quite raw.

I'm going to the cemetery with my brother on Saturday to lay down some Lillie's, one from each of us remaining, myself, my brother and his three children. Then we are going for something to eat and spend a bit of time together. We did this when dad was alive, and it feels right to continue.

What do I miss about my mum? Her laughter and wacky sense of humour. Her cooking and hospitality, she was a great cook. Her hugs when I was feeling down, and when I was poorly and living away from home the provisions she would pop in to keep me going and not being over fussy. Watching her potter around in her garden, her pride and joy. There are many things I miss about my mum, but most of all I miss just having her here.

x x x