Silent World - Depression

Now I'm through the worst of it, I can look back and see with relief that I was always going to be alright, always going to be a survivor. My friends and family gave me huge amounts of support and listened to my ramblings and watched my tears. To them I will always be grateful for letting me go through what I needed to go through. I believe it was a process I needed to do.

Even though I had support around me in the midst of my worst moments of depression I always felt so alone. Not wanting to bother anyone, that my problems were my own, and didn't want to intrude on anyone else's life. I lived in a silent world. Here's what I wrote just after Christmas, my worst time. I stayed undressed, unwashed for three whole days. I slept a lot and wrote my feelings down.

I live in a silent world. Oh I hear the tap dripping, the clock ticking away, I hear my phone ring and I hear peoples voices on the TV and out on the street. I hear cars as they drive through the rain puddles, I hear my neighbours slam their front door and run down the stair well. Yet I live in a silent world. An emotional silent world.

I do connect with those my life touches, but only to a point. The point I feel safe with. They never know the full extent of my silence. I make sure of that. To me the silence is deafening, unbearable, almost too unbearable to live with.

Yet I do live, I do want to live, but am doing so just day by day. Trying desperately not to show the real me, how awful I feel. I put on my 'happy-I'm-OK-really-face'. And most believe me, but some do not, but they let me be me, the way I am at the moment. On the outside I am just me, going through my daily routines, or not if I don't feel like it. Making arrangements and plans for the not too distant future. I cant cope with too far ahead, it panics me. I don't know how I'm going to cope to get there.

I feel so lost in this silent world. I just wish I could break through and make some kind of sound, so I feel I'm back in control of my life again.

Thankfully it was soon after this lowest point in my life so far that my grief counselling began. I have been able to use my sessions well, opening up, emotionally, letting the inner me breath again. I'm now finding my path again in life.

Beautiful Sussex

Here are some pics of beautiful Sussex. I live about half an hours drive from Brighton, and its about an hours train ride into London. So a perfect position to be in. The photo above is of Brigton Pier from the rooftop of the car park in Brighton Marina, taken last summer.

My favourite places to visit are Arundel, an old town with a beautiful castle, Brighton Pier, Hove's seafront and to walk along and look at the sun glimmering on the sea with the beach huts lined up behind you. Ford open Market on a Sunday morning, you can get some fab bargains there especially just before Christmas. Chichester is a lovely old market town, and the Catherdral there is well worth a visit. Camber Sands has a gorgeous sandy beach that goes for miles when the tide is out.

The drive from where I live in West Sussex down to the coast takes you through some lovely countryside, the Sussex (or often called South) Downs. Old farm houses, farm land, soft rolling hills and cattle and sheep.

No wonder I love it here!

Camber Sands






Arundel







Brighton Pier

Sussex Downs

Who am I?

I'm a 44 year old English Lady, living in the lovely Sussex countryside. I married young, divorced young, no children. Several long term relationships, but none that have lasted, so currently single and enjoying it.

So why am I blogging? I found myself to be an Orphan at the age of 43, having lost my Mum in 2003 and my Dad in July 2007, both to different types of Cancer. I don't like it one bit, doesn't feel right.

Don't run away, this isn't going to be a depressing blog. But my ramblings about my life and things that happen to me, and thoughts and memories. Something positive.

So what do I look like? I'm five foot one and a bit (a very important bit!), auburn shoulder length wavy hair, blue eyes (hence blog name), freckles and of a curvy stature.

I have a brother who is divorced who has three gorgeous children. One of 21, one of 16 and one of 13, who get spoilt rotten by me.

After my mum died quite suddenly of ovarian cancer I became main carer for my lovely dad. He had Non Hodgekinsons Lymphoma for over ten years and had gone in and out of remission. My Mum was his main carer, so I just stepped into her shoes really. At first it was just sorting the running of the house and the finances, but as time moved on my dads health declined and more care was needed by myself and my brother. We became very close, I'm blessed with that. Dad went into hospital early July last year, his kidneys had finally failed. He was in HDU and then a week later he died of a heart attack. It was a release for him as he was beginning to loose the quality of his life and was going to be starting another course of chemotherapy and dialysis.

I don't like being an orphan at my age, just doesn't seem right that I'm now the older generation. I don't feel old enough! I'm having grief counselling and my doctor has given me some mild anti depressants , just to get myself back on my feet again. Ive had four major losses in my life over the past four years, and finally losing dad and caring for him has taken its toll on me.

So that's me in a nutshell really. Hope that you will come back and visit as I have lots to chat about and to tell you about my life.